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The second passage is much more detailed. It recounts a specific story and explains more fully what kind of work the volunteer did, as well as a specific instance of a student becoming more confident with her math skills. It would be very hard to get a scholarship or place at a school if none of your readers felt like they knew much about you after finishing your essay, so make sure that your essay shows your personality.
The way to do this is to state your personal strengths, then provide examples to support your claims. Take some time to think about which parts of your personality you would like your essay to highlight, then write about specific examples to show this. After you have described your community service and given specific examples of your work, you want to begin to wrap your essay up by stating your accomplishments.
What was the impact of your community service? Did you build a house for a family to move into? Help students improve their reading skills? Clean up a local park? If you can include specific numbers, that will also strengthen your essay. Also be sure to explain why your work matters. Why is what you did important? Did it provide more parks for kids to play in?
Help students get better grades? Give people medical care who would otherwise not have gotten it? This is an important part of your essay, so make sure to go into enough detail that your readers will know exactly what you accomplished and how it helped your community. The children and grandchildren of many residents attended, and they all enjoyed playing games and watching movies together.
My job was to design and organize fun activities that senior citizens and their younger relatives could enjoy. The event lasted eight hours and included ten different games, two performances, and a movie screening with popcorn.
Almost residents and family members attended throughout the day. It also made the retirement home seem more fun and enjoyable to children, and we have seen an increase in the number of kids coming to visit their grandparents since the event. The second passage is stronger for a variety of reasons. First, it goes into much more detail about the work the volunteer did.
The first passage only states that she helped "organize a family event. The second passage is much clearer; her job was to "design and organize fun activities. The second passage also explains the event in more depth. Lastly, the second passage makes the importance of the event clear: You can discuss skills you learned, such as carpentry, public speaking, animal care, or another skill. Y ou can also talk about how you changed personally. Are you more patient now?
More understanding of others? Do you have a better idea of the type of career you want? Go into depth about this, but be honest. In order to support your statements, provide more examples. Do you get less frustrated while playing with your younger siblings?
Are you more willing to help group partners who are struggling with their part of the work? I learned how to read blueprints, use a hammer and nails, and begin constructing the foundation of a two-bedroom house. Working on the house could be challenging at times, but it taught me to appreciate the value of hard work and be more willing to pitch in when I see someone needs help. My dad has just started building a shed in our backyard, and I offered to help him with it because I know from my community service how much work it is.
I also appreciate my own house more, and I know how lucky I am to have a roof over my head. We combine world-class admissions counselors with our data-driven, proprietary admissions strategies.
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